Why your kid melts down at Grandma's house (and how to prevent it!)

A Guide to Surviving the Holidays with Your Neurodivergent Kid (and Your Sanity)

Does this sound familiar?

You arrive for Thanksgiving dinner at your parents’ house — the smells of gravy, stress and too much potpourri are wafting through the air. Cousins are running around. Adults are making small talk about the latest diet fad or about how 'people these days are way too sensitive'. You finally sit down to eat, and your kid suddenly transforms into a small, furious cave child — wailing about how the cranberry sauce touched his mashed potatoes.

You whisper-growl: “Sit still. Say thank you. Eat your dang turkey. Can we just have one nice holiday?”

Cue Grandma:

“When I was young, children were seen and not heard....You should really teach him some manners.”

Now your nervous system’s fried, the kids are fighting over a broken toy, and somewhere behind you the 3-year-old and 5-year-old are performing an avant-garde symphony on the piano while Granddad explains how you probably caused your son’s autism by taking Tylenol.

Just me? I doubt it.

So What’s Actually Happening?

The holidays are a perfect storm for dysregulation:

• Loud noises, strong smells, flashing lights, and unfamiliar faces.

• No consistent routine.

• Weird, once-a-year foods that look like beige mystery mush.

• Overstimulating expectations of “being good” in a new environment.

Even the calmest kid’s nervous system can short-circuit under that load.

Your good kid isn’t being bad — they’re overwhelmed.

Focus on What You Can Actually Control

1️⃣ Prep Your Kids

• Talk it through in advance.

“Do you remember Thanksgiving last year? What do you remember about it?”

Listen, agree, and then say:

“Yeah, there were a lot of sounds and smells. I felt overwhelmed too. What could we do if that happens again?”

• Brainstorm together:

  • Take a break in a pre-agreed quiet space or outside.

  • Bring coloring pages, word searches, or small fidget toys.

  • Ask for a bear hug.

  • Make up a secret code for “Mom, I need a 5-minute break”

  • Have ice water or a snack.

    
    

• Coach boundary language:

  • “No thank you, Grandma, I need a little space.”

  • “I like hugs, but not right now.”

  • “I don’t want seconds, thank you.”

(Bonus: write a little visual schedule for the car ride — predictability is regulating.)

2️⃣ Prep the Adults

Have a quick chat with the host ahead of time:

“Hey, just a heads-up — my kids get overwhelmed with all the noise. Is there a room where they could decompress if they need to?”

Let family know you’re not being permissive — you’re being proactive. Most of our parents just didn’t have the language for this stuff.

3️⃣ Prep the Supplies

• Coloring or sensory activities

• Weighted lap pad or small blanket

• Headphones or soft playlist

• Favorite snacks or safe foods (and if you know your kid won’t eat turkey at 3 PM, feed them a Lunchable at noon. Hangry + overstimulated = feral demon.)

  
  

4️⃣ Prep Yourself

You deserve regulation too. Have your own “boundary scripts” ready:

• “Thanks, Mom, but I’m not looking for feedback right now.”

• “We’re doing what works for our family.”

• "I'm not your target audience for this, Uncle Bob."

• “I hear you — but we’re good.”

Drink some water. Step outside. Breathe actual air. Your calm is the lighthouse in the storm.

The Bottom Line

The holidays can be a lot — but if we prep our kids, our relatives, and ourselves, we can protect everyone’s nervous system. Maybe we won’t have a perfect holiday… but we can have a calmer, more connected one. And if you're ready for 1:1 support and coaching to take your parenting to the next level, send me an email! Wildfloweradhd@gmail.com